Seatbelts – nigga please, what are you a fireman? Half inch braces or wear a belt. Jesus wept.

Belt and Braces – Bad combo. Did you get dacked in front of assembly in primary school and have some kind of irrational fear of your pants falling down ever since?

Turn ups – One word for you fuckers. "Tailor". Sewn in one quarter inch turn ups are precisely ideal. Four inch turn ups make you look like you have just been out paddling in the duckpond.

Writing on your clothes – Just stop it. OK just stop it. It's not the last day of school. There is no excuse for this. Ever.

Facial piercings – OK an earring, maybe two, three max, in the lobe. One ear. The left ear. The other one means you're gay. This eyebrow ring/nose ring/lip ring/whatever fuck ring. No. Looks dumb. You look stupid. Whopping great big holes in your ear make you look like something out of National Geographic. Not cool.

Beards – Shave. People like George Michaels have beards. That goatee, get rid of it. It doesn't look cool or make you look tough. That 'soul patch' caterpillar thing under your lip, fuck it off. You are not in a jazz band.

Laces – I'm going to say this once. Straight laces, not zig zags. They aren't your runners.

Shoe Polish – Use it. Use it until your boots/shoes fucking gleam. Matt black is cool on custom cars and bikes, not your feet.

Iron – it's the hot thing with a flat bottom that you use on your clothes to stop you from looking like a bag of shit. Own one and get acquainted with it.

Tucking in – Tuck your fucking shirt in. When you don't you look like someone who cried when Kurt Cobain died. Get with the program.

Wallet chains – Perfect with the belt and braces combo. For people who can never have enough accessories.